Well its been a while since I have written, and I just want to write to get a few things off my chest.

I am in counseling for domestic violence and I think it is helping me out.  I am very eager to learn about myself and also help myself improve my self confidence and self worth. 

I have been dating this guy, PWe and he has hurt me so much.  The problem that I am having is that I love him so much... or at least I think I love him.  Maybe I just have love for him and care about him.  He has beaten me so bad I though I was going to die... so I left him for about 3 weeks.  We are now "back together" although it doesnt seem like it.  I think he wants to see now how much he can get away with and me still be with him.  I am so confused because when we are having good times, its like the best, but when we are not, its like hell.  I want so bad for him to change, but I know in my heart he will never change.  I am trying to distance myself from him and also distract myself to not think about him and the good times... yet it is soooo hard to do.  I am very close to his family, which makes it even harder to do.  This weekend was our first weekend "together" yet we didnt even spend a lot of time together.  Last night his niece told me he brought another female to their house with him after the bar... which just made me so mad.  How can you say you love someone and want to grow with them one night and then go home with another bitch the next?!?! Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough for him, but then other times I feel like I am WAY too good for him.  I know I deserve someone who is going to want to see me, someone who misses me and loves me, who doesnt want to fuck anyone else.  I want that.  I dont deserve all the hurt he has put me through, emotionally and physically. 

I think I am going to go back to Detroit to see this one guy and also to do some business.  I have to get some money so that I can get back into school. 

The part of my life that seems to be depressing me, is that I dont have many friends or even people who I can go to when I need someone.  I have a few, just not a lot at all... sometimes I feel like I am alone in this world trying to survive on my own, and that is maybe why I want to be with PWe so bad.  Maybe its the comfort and knowing I have a boo, knowing that I have someone that says they care about me.  I dont know sometimes. 

I got my hair cut and my eyebrows done today and it felt so good to pamper myself.  I needed that to put a smile on my face.  Now the bad thing is that I want to see him so that I can show him what he has been neglecting and what someone else now can have.  I am going to see my boo in detroit and hopefully we get to know each other.  When I talk to him, he talks so sweet and says he misses me and wants to see me, but you never know about guys because at first PWe was acting like that too. 

Well I am done for now. 

TATA

Being visible

Struggling to keep divert my thoughts away from him.  Attempting to take a detour and avoid the accident.  The collision was caused by consideration that the road was smooth.  The crash was caused by the flaw of the driver.  The driver was distracted by the illusion that the road was flat.  Passengers warned the driver that the road she was about to take was not as even as she thought it was.  The road was a dead end after a long, windy, bumpy trip.  The accident occurred because the driver was not paying attention to the signs that were there.  Trying to find a way out of the accident is so hard to do.  The disaster stays with her all day and it something she cannot keep her mind off of.  The hurtle she is facing is causing her a lot of pain.  She liked the trip yet hates the accident she was involved with.  What would happen if she didnt even go down that road?

Being Visible

It rolls down her cheek, she tastes the saltiness of rain that comes from her eyes.  This taste is the daily bread that she eats.  Looking at him, the one who does not see her, she only dreams that one day he will notice.  Invisible as though she is not even there, he passes.  The clouds in which hold the salty rain that she tastes follow him as he walks right on by.  They sit in the sound of crickets as they fill their stomachs.  He is gone, rides away until sunrise.  She sleeps, only to the sound of the tick, tock.  Arises to the emptiness of what was never called home, waking up to the nonexistent dad.  She tastes the saltiness of the rain for breakfast as she prepares for today.  Leaves the house looking back to the home she wishes she had.  Today was the day she would be visible, today is the last day she will ever taste the salt.  The man in who made her eyes rain day after day finally taste the salt as he sees her.  As she is taken away by these men, she sees the one who made her taste the salty rain.  She is not invisible, he sees her and the rain starts pouring salty drops down his cheek.  In her last moments of life she is finally happy that she is visible. 

Yesterday and today